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Hi, My name is Christy and Pamela asked me if she could put the
following section from my journal. I've done a lot of journalling
in the past three years. Most of it is not this deep metaphysical
stuff. A lot of it is tears, frustration, anger with a bit of happiness
and joy and a lot of celebrations for my inner children. Christy
May 16, 2000 (10:40AM)
Session with Pamela brought up questions and some thoughts -
So if suffering is not part of it then why do we do it?
It is so easy to stay in the light when you are in the light but
the trick is to stay in the light when you are surrounded by things
that block you from your light. Then how do you stay in the light?
Remember it is there. We lose track of it. It is like we have
a compass that is surrounded by false norths. It points there and
we blindly follow it with the hope that this will finally show us
the light but it leads us farther and farther away from the light.
When we look back to find it then another false north shows up on
our compass and we say "The light is that way. Lets go find
it." And off we go to find the light. We've forgotten it is
so close beside us that we can't lose it but we are so blinded by
looking for it far ahead of us that we look beyond and through it
not seeing it for what it is. Then we say to our self "Maybe
if I do what mom says or what dad says or what this person says
then I will find the light." So we do that and it takes us
through years of stuff. We sit there like little children crying
for the light but it stands right in front of us, inside of us,
waiting for us to see it and to ask it to grow inside of us. We
stand in the bottom of the hole ready to dig into the hard rock
below us wanting to find the treasure below there but it isn't below
the ground. Just stop and ask for it. Realize you don't have to
go through anything to find it. Realize you can access the light
no matter where you are and no matter what is happening to you.
Realize there is something inside of you everyone will recognize
as you and as the light. Just sit yourself inside of it and ask
it to grow. And it will. It just needs your permission. It cannot
do anything until you give it permission to do so. It does not want
to live your life for you but it wants you to know that you do not
have to suffer to reach it. What lies we tell ourselves based on
so many years of teaching by others. They learned to suffer so they
feel they have to pass it down on to you and you have to pass it
on to your children. We did not come here to this earth to suffer
but to learn. To learn how to stand in the light at all times.
Realize that we didn't come onto this earth without protection.
And that we all came here for a reason. Look at all the strong souls
here today. We have so many people here now that were here in all
of the turning points of the earth's history. Where will we turn
to. You have a place in the earth's turning point. What is it? To
put behind the training of your past and step into the light of
your future. The past holds us back so much from what we are to
do with our lives. But we can't just bury the past as the truth
has this annoying way of burying its way out of any place we put
it. It will come up to you and say "Look at what happened to
us. You can't step into the light with out looking at us."
So then look into the past, empower those who had their power taken
away from them, break the ties that bind you to someone else, let
the fear, anger, rage, sadness express themselves then go back to
those who created them. Turn around to your oppressors and say to
them "Fuck you." or anything else you want to say to them.
As you do this and for each inner child your empower, for each emotion
you allow to let go, for each time you tell your abusers to back
off and hands off, the Light has another place inside of you to
fill. Keep moving the past out of your way. Examine it, thank it,
learn from it. Don't let it stand in your way. Don't allow it to
trap you. Sometimes it is so easy to let it build walls around you.
But the walls keep so many things away from you. Sometimes you let
the barriers down and a brave person braves the dragons outside
of you and comes into your walls but then they become trapped with
you. Sooner or later they want out and in doing so they leave another
hole for you to patch. So as you dissolve the walls around you and
clear the past inside of you, the light grows inside of you and
outside of you. You find yourself centered each day with out knowing
how you got there. You find yourself thinking of your past and thanking
it for having brought you this far into your life. You look at others
in your life, your parents, your siblings, your peers and know you
don't have to love them, as love is always there. You shine the
light as an example to them, but you know if they want to learn
then they need to listen to their light inside of them.
So then why did I have to go through what I went through as a
child. It moved me up to a different level of understanding of myself
and my world. It would have been so easy to stay in the light and
be centered in it while being in the light. But the real challenge
is learning how to stay in it when all hell is going around outside
and inside of you. I forgot how to do that as a child. I let others
tell me how I was supposed to act and feel because of who they were
in my life. This place is such a tangly spot. Once you get in a
tangle then more tangles come along until you are so trapped in
going one way or you are so stuck being in one place that you forget
who and what you are. Then you die and go back into the light (sometimes
surprised there is no heaven or hell) and say "Oh this is how
it is supposed to feel." You look back on your life and see
where the tangles started and where the snarls came up. You say
"Okay I will have my problems come later in life." Or
"I will have then come earlier in life." But you find
as you go from life to life, it doesn't matter when you think you
lost your way, as soon as come here you have lost your way. Just
coming here causes the disconnection from you and your light. The
pain and hurts you put in your way for this life only intensify
it for you.
Take a moment and go back to when you came into this life. Follow
that cord back to the break between the light and yourself. Find
a way to heal that break. It may mean going back into this life
or others to rebuild your belief system. You will find as you go
along the healing process for your inner child, for your past lives,
for whatever healing you are doing as long as it helps you to empower
your past, the connection becomes stronger and stronger and stronger.
You only have to acknowledge the growing connections. It is not
just the healing of your past that is important, but it is the growing
connections between yourself and your light that is so important.
Keep touching that connection, widening it and removing the ideas
and thoughts that keep you disconnected. Then one day you will go
back to the connection and find it is unbroken. You will find with
each breath you take the light is there inside of you. It doesn't
need to fill you anymore. It has filled all the spots, it runs over
into your life and surrounds everything you do.. Others will look
at you as you go through hard times in your life and they will say
to you "How can you do it?" You may not have to words
to express yourself to them or they may not be ready to hear how
you really do it but allow the light inside of yourself reach out
the light inside of themselves and touch them to remind them of
what is there. The hard times are not so hard anymore, the light
always stays around you. When you go through something that someone
sees as being hard, the light around you touches them to remind
them of what they can do with their lives. Nothing is hard for you
anymore.
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